March 01, 2010
IT'S TIME FOR ALL OF US TO COIN WORDS!
I love our American language.
I love coining words. I love wondering how someone decided "coining" meant "creating". Like I said, I love our language.
First, a fuzzy oldie of mine that deserves another stroke with the lint brush:
"Velvis Art" (VEL-viss art) - bad paintings on black velvet. Example: "That there's a dang good paintin' of a sad lil' puppy and scared lil' kitty!" Source: Elvis Presley paintings.
Thank you. I'm proud of that one.
Yesterday I spontaneously wrote these Brand New ones for you. KIDS: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME WITHOUT PARENTAL SUPERVISION! Here we go....
"Crapple's Disease" (CRAP-els dis-ease) - when one cannot distinguish between fruit and excrement. Example: "Ed, yer eatin' a damned turd again! We gotta stop goin' for walks in the horse orchard!"
"Tickeat" (TICK-EET) - a cover-charge "proof-of-purchase" coupon for entry into eateries.
"Colore" (co-LORE) - interesting legends about various hues and pigments. Example: "Grampa, tell us more stories about the Lonely Little Rainbow!"
"Moretorium" (mor-eh-TOR-ium) - a period of time for the discussion the of the problem of not acquiring enough things. Example: "Sue, we need help. This "save the earth/re-purpose/sustainability/simplicity fuss is really getting me down. We need a moretorium on that!"
"PEEP" (PEEP) - what a Dyslexic hears when a baby bird chirps. Example: "I just heard a baby bird!" "What did it say?" "It said 'PEEP'!" "Weird, because when I hear a baby bird it says 'PEEP'!" "Not me. I hear 'PEEP'!!" "Wow. That's SO weird! because I hear 'PEEP'!!"
"Turdgid" (TUR-dgid) - an especially pompous and odious creep. Example: "I've had it with Baron von Snifflepoot. Toss his lacy derriere outa here, STAT!"
"Flybotomy" (fli-BOT-o-me) - The process of bloodletting people who think they can soar like the birds. Example: "Theodorus, come down from that tree - it's time for your procedure! And what did you do to the top of my car!!!!?????"
"Tickticktick" (tik tik tik) - The discovery of blood-sucking insects in your pocket watch. Example: "Jeez, spray that thing with DDT, would ya?!!"
"Witdrawal" (wit-DRAW-l) - Dry humor expressed with a deep Southern American accent. Example: "Thay-et joke bout th'drill? Ya'll, t'ain't funny even one lil'bit..."
"Addrift" (AD-drift) - The state of meandering confusion of someone who simply does not understand basic mathematics. Example: "I SAID 'I DON'T KNOW!!!' Whadya mean 'two plus two'???!!!"
"Palvin" (PAL-vin) - my buddy Alvin. Example: "See ya later, Palvin."
"Harlequeen" (HAR-lih-kween) - same as "Harlequin". No difference. Example unnecessary.
"Monosyllabiac" (MONO-sy-lay-bee-ack) - a female born with one lip. Example: "Wow, I've never seen one like it before... NOT that there's anything wrong with that..."
"Squinterior" (skwin-TEER-e-or) - the results created by a color blind interior decorator. Example: "Oh my god. Where's my Dramamine??!!"
"Sqwish" (SKWISH) - the act of ruining the dreams of another. Example: "You'll NEVER be a good looking woman even if you have the surgery, put it in a bottle, take the hormones, and practice walking in those shoes till the cows come home! You're an ugly man and that's that!!"
"Monstruation" (MONS-tru-ay-shun) - a REALLY BAD female monthly periodic shedding of the uterus lining. Example: "I want to die. This is the Godzilla of periods!"
"Cacaphony" (CACA-fony) - Loud, dirty tricks. Example: "You may have thought the rubber doggy-doo was funny, but it made me scream and puke when I pulled back the sheets!"
"Cabanana" (caba-NAN-a) - a small hut made entire of Chiquita Brand fruit cast-offs. Example: "I just kept slipping and falling in your house - THAT'S why I'm outside!"
"Epiphony" (eppy-fony) - the absolute central moment of a life built on lies. Example: "If I get away with this one last deal, I'll be on Easy Street!"