I was e-chatting with my friend from the Tucson desert days, Cynthia Gayneau, and I began thinking about how we, and others, saw ourselves during our time of study at the University of Arizona, and, how we, and others, see ourselves now.

Cynthia was seen as a fine art Photographer. She also ran a high quality matting and framing shop with her (ex)husband. (They did a gorgeous, very complex set of jobs for me, preparing my Art for the Thesis exhibition). They were also parents. This pretty much covered it for her in Tucson, at least as far as I knew. She loved music, but hadn't taken it to the big world yet. NOW people know her as a musician. She's made numerous albums. Now most people don't know about her Photography - and it's good photography.

I was seen as a fine art Printmaker, and a Graduate teacher. I also kept it known I was a reliable Jack-0f-Many-Trades type - which kept me in temporary and part time jobs. Without them, I couldn't finish school. This pretty much covered it for ME in Tucson. I loved design, I loved writing, loved hunting antiques, etc., loved collecting, loved cars, loved animals, loved films... but they were peripheral. They HAD to be. I KNEW WHY I was working my way through school and why I needed the particular degrees I sought.

(A couple of days pass before writing what is below:)

So where was I headed with these thoughts about how we are seen by others? It had to do with Aging. We grow, we move, we learn. Despite how it FEELS sometimes, we are in CONSTANT motion. We are never the same. It smacks us in the face - for better or worse - when someone responds to us as what we are at that moment... and, should that person never see us again, we are FROZEN in that moment... for better or worse... constructed of the material we offered and THAT PERSON was able to deduce and/or concoct at that time.

I UNDERSTAND why some parents looked at me - their Daughter's Date - with hesitation. They were sometimes justified. None of us like being stereotyped, but at times we ARE how people see us. There WAS a time, short-lived though it was, when all those square adults needed to be concerned about my effects on their kids, and even knowing I couldn't "make" anyone do anything, I WAS a Catalyst... an Opportunity for a risky behavior... just as someone else was for me. For some of those people - to this day - I remain that boy who drank, used drugs, had unprotected sex, and drove a car without enough experience or common sense. I'm that memory - and it's less than a great one. It's NOT the one I would now choose for myself. IF I could fix all those memories, I would... but I can't. Those turds will always lay there stinking along the old path.

Others know us before such times, and can forgive us some moments as aberrations on our longer path. Others know us as who we were yesterday, and give us the chance today to prove it wasn't an aberration. For the person you meet tomorrow, it's all up for grabs again. And again.

All I've ever been able to do was be as honest as I can at that moment, and, when possible, use the past and the future to help guide my present. Gone is the young teen who sees no further than my nose tip and evening. I survived that time, gratefully. Some of my friends did not. They exist in memory as little more than a goofy pal who drank too much and stole a car, only to be chased by police and die in a crash... later to be viewed by friends in the morgue or casket. THAT is their legacy.

What the hell WAS their role in Life? To become a Lesson, I assume - to live in memory as an example of certain poor decisions that never work out well for anyone. They offer us examples of stupidity and a choice towards the opposite. In the end, they fell on grenades for us. How else could their lives have meaning? However, they were NOT Heros. They were Sacrifices.

And I'll say it again: we ALL travel through our lives in a constant change of states.

When someone categorizes you in one way, it can feel unfair. What do you EXPECT them to do? Fill in YOUR blanks FOR you? Hopefully NOT! We have the opportunity to expand ourselves outwardly - but only if we choose to do so. If you are remembered at all, much of it is made from your decisions.

When someone recognizes me as ONLY an antiques dealer, or only as an educator, or artist, long hair, sports car driver, or as an age, gender, race, or, or, or ... I have no immediately reasonable choice but to let it be what it is and elaborate if I'm given or I take the opportunity.

I'm what I call a "T-shirt Whore". I'll wear ANY T-shirt, I think. If it has an interesting or odd picture or phrase on it, it's ON me. It is my way of dealing with (not explaining) the surreal reality of first impressions, mixed messages, irony, and the dangers of the world working in such a manner.

This attitude was also a HUGE part of my creating so much Art under various names and personas.

(I realize I am not bringing these thoughts around to a neat package with a bow on it, but I AM swirling around a group of ideas about identity and learning to live with them.)

I've been SO wrong with my first impressions of some people, I DON'T trust my initial judgement as a valid tool. I suppose that's a good thing. But, I have been conned by enough people in various ways throughout my life, that caution drives my reactions... like any of us, right?

Or wrong?