A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar....

No, wait...

A guy walks into FUTURES Antiques:

He asks the shop owner "Do you do free appraisals?"

The shop owner says "No."

"You know anyone who does?"

"What? FREE appraisals?"

"Yeh."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because NOTHING is 'Free'."

"...I just want you to look at some pictures..."

"But why?"

"Well, because I don't know anything about them."

"So you need research? Knowledge?"

"Yeh!"

"You could buy a bunch of books and study them..."

"I don't have the time for that, and books cost too much."

I said "My fee is fifty dollars an hour. I've taken the time, and I've spent the money."

He said "You mean it could take an HOUR?" That's all he heard: "hour".

"It could take DAYS. I've no idea what you have or what sort of research will be required!" I stared at him, and shrugged my shoulders. We were at the end of the thought, I thought. I thought wrong. He mumbled something about his wife, and left.

A minute later the wife came in, carrying their things. He followed. Apparently she's his big gun. They walked up to my desk, laid the stuff on my desk, and, by doing this they were saying "We're not going to take 'no' as an answer, and we DO want free advice."

Despite my headache, I wasn't in a brow-beaten, bad mood, so I allowed this to happen. I felt like doing a little teaching AND gnawing on someone.

She didn't hear the former conversation, and began treading old territory.

I give a small sigh, and... "You can either pay a professional to do it, or you can do it yourself, but ethically you cannot have the SAME person do both the appraising and the buying... nor is it a wise approach from your viewpoint."

(All she heard was "nor", "wise", and "your".) "Why?"

"Because if I wanted your stuff, and I was the least bit unethical, what would I do?" I stared at them, and waited...

They both thought. ".......................................give me a too-low price."

"Bingo!"

They thought a little more. "Well, why are there ads in the yellow pages advertising 'free' appraisals?"

"YOU can answer that question..."

They thought again. "...........................because...they might WANT my stuff, they want me to DELIVER it, and they want it at a too-low PRICE?"

"Of course! Look...you have two choices: Pay a professional to do it for you, or do your own homework... unless you don't care about the stuff or how much you get for it...and if THAT'S the case, WHY are you driving around spending all this gasoline money - and your time - asking me - and, I assume, others - for a 'free appraisal'? You're clearly trying to save money AND make money... Well, guess what? I'm a professional and I want to be paid for MY work too. DON'T YOU?"

"Sure."

"Would you walk into a lawyer's office and say 'I want you to draw up a Will for me and I want it done for free'?"

"NO!"

"Would you walk onto a car lot and say "I want THIS car, and I want it for free?"

"No."

"There you go. Now let me tell you something: TODAY I'm in a good mood and that makes you lucky... because walking into someone's business - ANY business - ANTIQUES INCLUDED - and asking for, let alone expecting, free work or inventory isn't just INSULTING, it's RIDICULOUS! It shows you haven't thought about this long enough to even BE thoughtful, let alone considerate or respectful. It shows me you have a bad case of 'Antiques Roadshow Fever'. You've already been conned - by television, and you're willing to put yourself in a precarious position."

They thought. They grunted. "Huh."

I raised my eyebrows.

She said "But these things are OLD. My grandma had them."

("It's just not sinking in with these people.") "Was your grandma not allowed to leave the house and buy new things?"

"Sure she was."

"Then why does BEING old mean you have ONLY old stuff?"

Again the ".................huh."

"Look, I KNOW what you're processing right now. You're trying to decide if I'm an ass or a blessing or somehow both at the same time. I get it. But the bottom line is I have given you the truth and a reality check. You can go to every antiques shop in town and ask them too, but I've ALREADY given you useful, FREE advice AND time. Use it or lose it." I smiled, and lowered my eyebrows.

I think they were shell-shocked, but maybe this will turn into a moment they can use... I hope so. I really do...

...or maybe it's just my remaining, buried ember of optimism I reheated every day, years ago, when I taught students in the class rooms of schools.