Friend Amber and I were emailing about various things, and she wrote something that caused me to go on a rant with her.

She said: "you already sold the microphone! dang that was quick. didn't you just win that yesterday at the auction?"

I said: "You don't "win" at an auction. Using that word is a dangerous way to THINK. You DON'T "win". You PAY the most money. I see people every day who go to auctions to "win". They are so lost in their egos, they're screwed all the time.

Once in a while there will be an interesting "bid war" between two people... and once it's over, the audience will applaud. The "winner" thinks they're being appreciated for winning. Gimme a break!. The audience was applauding the momentary break in their boredom with a little wacky entertainment. The "winner" paid for that entertainment. "Winner"? The Hell! SPENDER! CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU PAID THE MOST!!!! (Okay, okay. If the auction is a FUNDRAISER, then applauding is reasonable.)

I'm harassing you because you'd be dangerous to yourself - a real sitting duck - at auctions. Do not go to them with your ego. If you go to an auction, here are some of my rules for a newbie like you:

1. You are NOT allowed any cash, checks, or credit cards at your first 10 auctions. TEN. NO buying at all. You must sit there the entire auction, and observe everyone else. (I realize this takes a chair from the auction, but it's their investment in your returning as a wise, less troublesome buyer.) NOW DROP AND GIMME TEN!!

2. You do NOT attend these auctions with any non-professional friends. Friends encourage you to spend YOUR money, even though they have no clue if it's smart or stupid. They'll be bored, they'll want to be entertained too, and they'll spend your money willingly. Save your friends cheerleading for other times and places.

3. You MUST preview the auction (go early), every single item must be viewed, and you MUST closely inspect and perform advance research on every single thing that interests you in any serious way.

4. Once you've attended your ten non-bidding auctions, you will not now, or ever, bid one penny over your researched amount.

(IF you're still interested, there are more rules... unless you like being taken advantage of, and losing money in stupid ways. And don't kid yourself - most veterans there will KNOW you're a newbie, and that you're ripe for screwing. If you follow my advice, by the time you're an actual participant, people will begin to understand you're not the one to mess with.) Auction boot camp.

Equipment: cell phone with professional phone #'s entered (PLEASE turn off ringer!), eyeglasses, magnifying glass, possible black light & flashlight, new price guides (in the trunk of your car), notepad, pencil, any medications you might need, i.d.."

Don't misunderstand me. ALL auctions aren't bad or evil places full of rats and liars. The main issue is YOU and YOUR approach. You may be a perfectly decent driver, but that's not good enough. You have to be a great driver if you are going to survive the bad drivers. Get it?

If you don't follow this basic advice, fine, it's your choice, but DON'T come crying to ME! I'll have NO sympathy for the fix in which you now find yourself.